growing pains

From my vantage point as a parent, it seems like our girls are growing in sudden surges rather than gradually. I often feel like one or both of the girls are in stages of life where they grow leaps and bounds each day, developing new skills and abilities beyond what I expect or imagine, then it seems to taper off for a while until the next one. These stages of growth (physical, verbal, cognitive, emotional, what-have-you) are always so exciting to witness and sometimes a relief, but they do a number on our heartstrings every time...
Kate is in one these phases right now... it just seems like she's busted through the door and has lept into little-lady-dom all of a sudden. (Ok, and "lady" is a loose term here... but you get the drift!) I'm sure this has been brewing for a while, but I am struck these past couple weeks at how she yearns to be part of the grown-up scene, longs to do what is right and what is expected, and how she tries sooooo hard to meet her own expectations of herself. It is precious, endearing, and also a tad bit heart-breaking as I see some of those things manifest themselves in awkward or painful ways for her... ways that I know are just parts of life that we cannot protect her from, but OH if we could...

This week she was tucked away having her "room time" and I heard her crying quietly in her room. Careful to avoid a tricky ploy to lure me back there just to ask "is room time over?", I listened in the hall for a minute. Yup, real crying, but it sounds like she's trying to muffle it. Hm.... Crack open the door. "Kate, you ok? What's up?" She was standing in the middle of the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks from red little eyes. She tried to get it together really fast and tried SO HARD to talk clearly and plainly in her "big girl" voice through the tears when she told me that her lampshade fell off the lamp. "No problem," I said, wondering why the drama? We picked the shade back up and placed the lamp back on the table and set about cleaning up... she was still wimpering and trying not to cry, but couldn't tell me what was wrong. Hmmm.... I'll let it go. Maybe she just needs a good cry. (Not sure exactly what this means, but my mom used to say that about me sometimes and it seemed to be true then.) As we work together in her room she keeps crying but is trying not to and I can't figure it out. I ask her if she wants to talk about feeling sad. Head shake no. She gets it together and then starts up again a minute later. But all the while, she won't tell me what's up. Acts like she doesn't know. About 15 minutes go by and then she finally just comes over to my lap and whispers something in my ear, then buries her head. "What, Lovie, I can't hear you?" She whispers it again, so softly that I can barely hear... "I accidentally burned my finger on the lightbulb." I look at her little finger and sure enough, she burned it. Mystery solved. Curiosity got the cat (or the finger, in this case) and the shade fell off as she flinched away from the burn. Ouch for that finger. And ouch for that little sense of self that was burned with (pride? disappointment? shame?) so that she didn't want to tell me. ...And ouch for Mommy who hates that she didn't come crying for me right away and tell me without any of that complicated emotional mess that we grown-ups carry around! And yes, that little finger got lots of kisses and pink ice pack action. I mean, surely she's not too old for that. =)

Oh, little one... you are so big and still so little! You are so capable and learning soooo many new things about maneuvering life all on your own but still.... learning. I see you work at it... to test yourself and try new things... to say something that matters and to prove yourself to... yourself. It gives me little heart aches to see how pride and disappointment and embarrasment and all those complicated things that come along with being "grown-up" are starting to pop up. Ache! It is also delightful to see true, real-deal laughter explode when a friend makes you laugh or to see you figure it all out on your own. ...Just the BEST to see you love life because there are things that YOU love about it... all on your own... just because you do. Ah, parenthood.... what are we going to do with ourselves at 13? This is just 3! Bear with us...